Operation Bombshell

I'm back on the wagon. The past week or so I've fallen off to some extent. Basically I tried to fall back on my old habits to comfort me in a time of drama and depression. I ate some shit. I gained 3 lbs. But I learned something too. Food no longer affects me like it used to. When I was depressed before I could put away a sickening amount of food. I tried to do that. I went to the grocery store with $4o with the intention to buy as much shit as possible. I wandered the aisles trying to decided on what I wanted to do damage with. The weirdest thing happened: I didn't have a taste for shitty food. I tried to buy oreos. Nope. Didn't want 'em. I tried to buy nacho cheese. Meh. I looked at pies, pastries, chips, pizza and do you know what I left the grocery store with? Totinos pizza rolls, a sleeve of cookie dough and 2 little 1 servings of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. I spent $13. No, I didn't exactly buy broccoli, however compared to how I used to eat, that was really nothing. This was a few days ago. Since then I've had a sort of reawakening. I realized that food doesn't make me happy. Any way you look at it. You are probably saying to yourself, duh, but let me continue. When I am fat and I can eat whatever I want, I'm miserable. The fact that I get to eat what I want doesn't matter at all because I hate what I am because of it. Now that I'm thinner I'm definitely happier, yet there are times when it becomes such a fucking miserable hassle to count every point and plan every meal and work out and not snack on work food. Regardless of if I'm fat or thin, I noticed I am always miserable, unhappy, disappointed and fed up with my sick and bizarre relationship with food. So, I decided to get thin. Here's why. If I'm miserable regardless of if I'm eating McDonald's or Carrots I might as well look fucking hot.

Recently I was talking to a man and while it didn't turn out well, for the first time after a "relationship" has ended I don't blame it all on my looks. I feel good about myself. Its so much easier to take bad shit happening when you feel good about who you are. However, I realize I am still a work in progress. Something he said to me sticks in my mind. I was talking to him about the subject of my drastic weight loss and I mentioned that I would still like to lose another 30lbs and he said, "You'd be a fucking bombshell". I did not take what he said as an insult to the way I look now. Not at all. But the comment made me put into perspective how close I actually am to my goal and to looking on the outside how I feel inside. I am going to do it. I am so close. How dare I waste the opportunities I have had to get all the way. 

I just went to Strack and Von Till (grocery store) and bought supplies for my mission. It was pretty dead in there being that it was almost 11pm, however one couple shopping caught my attention. They had paused in front of the Little Debbie endcap and were debating over which packaged snacks to buy. They were a little older, and I couldn't help noticing they were extremely obese. I also couldn't help noticing that their cart contained nothing but processed shitty food like Jimmy Dean's breakfast bowls and Hot Pockets. I'm not saying they're bad people or anything but it put me face to face with exactly what I don't want for myself. Here I was, with a cart full of veggies, special K, and vegetarian items and I realized I've come way too far to quit now. With my diet or "lifestyle change", and with my own personal growth. I've changed a lot over the past two years. I've matured in ways I never thought I was capable of. It feels really good. I love the feeling I have that I'm controlling my life, its not controlling me. I feel so great about everything. Even the fact I got dumped seems so microscopic next to the things I've accomplished recently. Addiction is an uphill climb. For the rest of my life food is something I will have to deal with. I may fall off. I will get back on. I feel so good, this high is WAY better than any cake or cookie or plate of avocado eggrolls from The Cheesecake Factory. 

Operation Bombshell is me taking control of my shit and finishing my mission. I will make it to my goal weight. I can do it. I'm strong. Stronger than I ever imagined.