My heart will go on.....and on....and on.....and on.....

Here's why the plot of 'Titanic' isn't plausible. Let's forget that its a huge spectacle movie. Let's forget it cashed in on society's morbid fascination with an event that caused like 1500 people to drown in the middle of the freezing fucking ocean. Lets forget that its incredibly and absolutely ridiculous that some weirdo jewel hunter would be interested in a necklace from 1914 that went down with the ship (supposedly) and make some huge elaborate expedition to the bottom of the sea to find it, toting along some old, terrible-at-telling-short-stories lady to point out where it might be among wreckage that's been decaying for 80+ years. 

It isn't plausible because Leonardo DiCaprio hates having sex with women. Especially in model Ts. 

Sara's Turn ('Gypsy' reference for all you straight people)

Howdy all! Its been about a week since I posted, so here's an adorable update from your favorite blogger. The three of you who read this will surely enjoy!

Ready or not, here comes Sara!

Works been work. I'm pretty tired of waiting on tables. Is there anyone who waits on tables that likes it? I hope not.

I played two CSz shows last night. I think they went fairly well, other than the worlds worst game of of Replay ever seen by a paying audience. I'm feeling really good about how familiar and comfortable I'm becoming with the show format. The highlight of the evening of shows was that Mike E. and I were able to get Crump to guess 'Duran Duran' at 5 things. I did hungry like the wolf. Amazingly he got it from that. That was pretty awesome. 

The CTA holiday train starts tomorrow. I'm kind of excited about this random holiday happening. Last year I never got to ride it. One day around Christmas time I was just sitting in my apartment watching a movie and all of a sudden all these lights and blaring christmas music goes flying by my window, and my immediate reaction was, "What the fuck was that?". I've been living here for a year and a half and its to the point where I don't even hear the train pass by anymore. When I looked it up online and learned that it was in fact a holiday CTA train and not Santa (bummer. I guess he really isn't real) I was so excited to take a ride but that joy was VERY short lived when I finished reading the sentence. It said that that was the last running of it on the red line for 2007. I'm gonna ride that shit this year and get my goddamned candy cane. 

I just watched a movie on TBS called 'The Wedding Date'. Its a romantic "comedy" about a male prostitute and Debra messing. I actually liked it. It was the kind of thing I needed to give me hope that one day I will pay for sex and the man will fall in love with me and things will work out happily ever after....and that I'll get to fuck in a boat parked in a driveway in London. 

I cut all my hair off.

I took RIDICULOUS pictures of myself dressed like Beyonce from her music video 'Single Ladies'. I don't know that anyone else is amused by them but I sure enjoy seeing myself in an awkward 1 sleeve leotard. 

I went out for din with Sam this evening. We went to The Counter. I don't go out on the town nearly enough for the amount of great places in this city. I need some more close friends. I really like going out for din with my friends, but they all have jobs and lives. Its hard to schedule a lot of fun time with people who have so much stuff going on. My three closest friends are Sam, Trent and Mary and they all have TONS of shit going on with them. Careers or lack there of, girlfriends, etc. Anyone wanna join the club of Sara's BFFs?

Everythings coming up Sara!!!!

Reiteration

However. That being said, Its officially the Holiday season as 93.9, the Holiday Lite, is the station my car's radio is tuned to. I enjoy winter merriment (to a reasonable extent). I'm not a scrooge. I'm more of a Mrs. Cratchet in The Muppet Christmas Carol (look that one up).

Its beginning to look a lot like..... seasonal depression.

I'm in a funky mood lately. Lets start with my absent mindedness. I have lost my car twice in the past week. Twice. Wandering around trying to remember where I parked it. For several minutes. WTF? And I didn't drive it home under the influence of anything. So either I'm completely retarded or something in my brain isn't working. 

I've been sleeping a lot recently. I think I'm depressed. And hungry. I've been following my points really well this week, so I've got that going for me. However, I'm a little lonely. I'm not one of those girls who always has to have a boyfriend, but I am one of those girls who really likes to have a conquest in mind or a crush to pine over. It kind of bothers me that I don't. I'm reasonably attractive so what the fuck is wrong with me. Its like I repel men instead of attracting them. I'm like the human 'OFF' Spray. I'm 25. I'm not trying to get married ANYTIME soon. Seriously. I do not want any kind of serious "future" type of relationship at all right now. Here's what little I'm asking for, Universe. I want a man, reasonably handsome, decent in bed. I want company on cold, lonely nights. I want someone to text me now and then to let me know they are thinking about me. I want dates on major holidays. I want cuddling and sex. Thats it. Someone who is around. A companion, if you will. I guess one could look at it from the man's perspective and view it as I want someone I can use. And that would be mostly correct. Christmas and New Years are coming up. Last year I vowed I would have someone to kiss on New Years Eve this year and it doesn't look like thats going to happen once again. 

I like venting on my blog. No one reads this shit, but it does make me feel a little better to write it all and get this shit out of my brain. 

Operation Bombshell

I'm back on the wagon. The past week or so I've fallen off to some extent. Basically I tried to fall back on my old habits to comfort me in a time of drama and depression. I ate some shit. I gained 3 lbs. But I learned something too. Food no longer affects me like it used to. When I was depressed before I could put away a sickening amount of food. I tried to do that. I went to the grocery store with $4o with the intention to buy as much shit as possible. I wandered the aisles trying to decided on what I wanted to do damage with. The weirdest thing happened: I didn't have a taste for shitty food. I tried to buy oreos. Nope. Didn't want 'em. I tried to buy nacho cheese. Meh. I looked at pies, pastries, chips, pizza and do you know what I left the grocery store with? Totinos pizza rolls, a sleeve of cookie dough and 2 little 1 servings of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. I spent $13. No, I didn't exactly buy broccoli, however compared to how I used to eat, that was really nothing. This was a few days ago. Since then I've had a sort of reawakening. I realized that food doesn't make me happy. Any way you look at it. You are probably saying to yourself, duh, but let me continue. When I am fat and I can eat whatever I want, I'm miserable. The fact that I get to eat what I want doesn't matter at all because I hate what I am because of it. Now that I'm thinner I'm definitely happier, yet there are times when it becomes such a fucking miserable hassle to count every point and plan every meal and work out and not snack on work food. Regardless of if I'm fat or thin, I noticed I am always miserable, unhappy, disappointed and fed up with my sick and bizarre relationship with food. So, I decided to get thin. Here's why. If I'm miserable regardless of if I'm eating McDonald's or Carrots I might as well look fucking hot.

Recently I was talking to a man and while it didn't turn out well, for the first time after a "relationship" has ended I don't blame it all on my looks. I feel good about myself. Its so much easier to take bad shit happening when you feel good about who you are. However, I realize I am still a work in progress. Something he said to me sticks in my mind. I was talking to him about the subject of my drastic weight loss and I mentioned that I would still like to lose another 30lbs and he said, "You'd be a fucking bombshell". I did not take what he said as an insult to the way I look now. Not at all. But the comment made me put into perspective how close I actually am to my goal and to looking on the outside how I feel inside. I am going to do it. I am so close. How dare I waste the opportunities I have had to get all the way. 

I just went to Strack and Von Till (grocery store) and bought supplies for my mission. It was pretty dead in there being that it was almost 11pm, however one couple shopping caught my attention. They had paused in front of the Little Debbie endcap and were debating over which packaged snacks to buy. They were a little older, and I couldn't help noticing they were extremely obese. I also couldn't help noticing that their cart contained nothing but processed shitty food like Jimmy Dean's breakfast bowls and Hot Pockets. I'm not saying they're bad people or anything but it put me face to face with exactly what I don't want for myself. Here I was, with a cart full of veggies, special K, and vegetarian items and I realized I've come way too far to quit now. With my diet or "lifestyle change", and with my own personal growth. I've changed a lot over the past two years. I've matured in ways I never thought I was capable of. It feels really good. I love the feeling I have that I'm controlling my life, its not controlling me. I feel so great about everything. Even the fact I got dumped seems so microscopic next to the things I've accomplished recently. Addiction is an uphill climb. For the rest of my life food is something I will have to deal with. I may fall off. I will get back on. I feel so good, this high is WAY better than any cake or cookie or plate of avocado eggrolls from The Cheesecake Factory. 

Operation Bombshell is me taking control of my shit and finishing my mission. I will make it to my goal weight. I can do it. I'm strong. Stronger than I ever imagined. 

Thank you, Tara D!!!

Today started out a rough one. This week I've been dealing with some bullshit....money woes, dealing with jerk men, I gained a few pounds due mostly to apathy, etc....HOWEVER there is a silver lining (at least today).

Tara D. sent out an email this afternoon that she had an extra ticket to her Second City Touring show for this evening. They were performing on the Mainstage. My rehearsal for CSz was cancelled so I had the evening free. I emailed Tara quickly and lo and behold I had a comp ticket to see the blueco perform this evening. Awesome. Many of you know I worked for The Second City over the summer, many of you do not know that I know very little about the shows of The Second City. I am not familiar with any of the famous sketches. I don't know a lot of the people who are in the casts. After seeing the show tonite, I've seen a grand total of 3 Second City shows. Ever. Its weird to have worked for them and know so very little about the shows they do, so I leaped at the opportunity to see another show. Also, for those of you who don't know her, Tara Defrancisco is crazy talented. Since I moved to Chicago she has been one of my favorite people to watch. Its pretty awesome that she's my friend now! I watched the cast do a great show that the audience went apeshit for....oh! I'm forgetting something. I got to sit with Natalie Sullivan, also in the CSz ensemble, also working for The Second City on the Novi stage. I've met Natalie a few times, but I got to hang with her tonite one on one and we had a lot of fun. She is a great gal and we had a real nice chat!!! So the show was great and then Tara invited Natalie and (drumroll) ME (shitting pants) to play in the set after the show. On the Chicago Mainstage. For an audience. Of people. Thank you, Tara D. It was super fun and felt incredible to be included in something so amazing. Also, the cast was super nice, the audience had a great time, and I made it through a few scenes without having a seizure on stage. 

Thank you Tara. Thank you Natalie. Thank you BlueCo. Thank you Obama. 

The World Doesn't Revolve Around me

It doesn't? Hmm. Those who know me well will agree that I'm a little hypersensitive and quick to jump to conclusions. I think that people who haven't called me back or hung out with me in awhile hate me or are mad at me. I think when I call people are sitting by their phones waiting for me to need them. I think that I'm everyone's only and best friend. Now, logically I know this isn't true, but really this is how I feel. Seriously. I need a lot of attention. I'm not proud of it. I'm getting better at dealing with it. I also push people away and piss them off before they can do it to me. Despite how funny, sexy and amazing I am I actually have terribly low self esteem for someone so wonderful. There is an old story my father tells which reminds me of myself. The story goes a little something like this:

A man is driving down this old dirt road late at night. Where he is going and why is not really important. He's driving along when suddenly he hits a rock and gets a flat tire. He pulls over to the side of the road to inspect his car. Luckily he has a spare tire, but no jack. He sees a little farm house in the distance and decides he will knock on their door and ask to borrow a jack for his car. He begins to walk down the road to the farmhouse. He says to himself, "Oh I hope its not too late to knock on their door", But he pushes that aside and continues walking. "Its really late, and I am going to make them really mad at me", he says to himself. He continues getting closer and closer to the house. "Why would they get so angry at me? Who are they to judge me?", he says to himself as he starts up the farmhouse's driveway. "Those assholes think I'm bothering them! I'm just a nice guy out for a drive! I can't help the fact I have a flat tire." He's almost at the front door now. "Who the hell do they think they are wondering why I don't have a jack of my own?" He walks up the front step. He rings the door bell. By now he is furious. An elderly man in his bathrobe answers the door and before he can say one word the man shouts in his face, "YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FUCKING JACK!!!!!!!", turns around and walks into the night.

I am that man. Before someone can deny me I make up all kinds of reasons why they have insulted me or wronged me and essentially tell them to fuck off. If I have done that to one of you, I am sorry. How dare you judge me. What? My apology isn't good enough? Well you can kiss my big, Jewis--- Oh. Whoops. Sorry!!!

I did it.

I just played in my first AND second Comedy Sportz shows!!!! I played the 6pm, and I think it went well. Then I stayed to watch the 8pm because it had a few players I hadn't ever watched before. One of the performers who was in the 8 and the 10 felt ill and they asked me if I would play the 10 instead of him. Duh, of course I said yes. It was very fun. I had a great, terrific time. I'm also exhausted and a little hoarse. 

Thank you, Comedy Sportz for hiring me and letting me have so much fun tonite!!!

More like Four Shitmases

I just saw a commercial for the movie 'Four Christmases'. It looks like a really fucking stupid movie. Look, I've made almost no movies so who am I to judge, right? I'll tell you who I am: The jew that loves Christmas movies AND romantic comedies. The only one. So if they can't get me to see it, I doubt anyone else in this country will. My box office prediction for opening weekend: 1,356 Dollars.

(a handful of people still like Vince Vaughn)